Money
by Lady Lizzie
Summary: This is a mix off the Harry Potter characters and the Blackadder series. All the characters are off character and I'm very well aware of that.
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer:** None of these characters belong to me. They belong to J.K. Rowling. The dialogues and context of the story belong to Richard Curtis and Ben Elton. I make no profit in writing this, it's just for fun.  
  
**A/N:** I've ripped every character out of character, but don't worry, I didn't turn Lucius in a nice fluffy rabbit. If you do not like this you'd better leave and read some other fics. A big thank you goes to my beta- reader, Smitten.  
  
The room was half lit. Lucius Malfoy was asleep in the bed set in the corner of the room. A pair of feet was lying on the pillow next to him. The silence was broken by a soft knock on the door.  
  
"Go away," Malfoy growled.  
  
Peter Pettigrew opened the door and stepped carefully inside, carrying a lamp.  
  
"Master, there is someone at the door to see you," Peter whispered.  
  
"By Merlin!" Malfoy said rubbing his eyes, "what time is it?"  
  
"Four o'clock, Master," Peter replied.  
  
"Wormtail, I've told you before! You mustn't let me sleep all day. This woman charges by the hour," Malfoy hissed.  
  
Peter carefully walked to the end of the bed.  
  
"Master, it's four o'clock in the morning," he spoke softly.  
  
"Someone wants to see me at four o'clock in the morning? What is he, a giant owl?" Malfoy groaned.  
  
"No, it's a pureblood wizard," Peter said.  
  
"Tell him I'm a Mudblood," Malfoy replied.  
  
The woman next to Malfoy stirred in the bed. She threw the coverlet from her head exposing his bare feet.  
  
"Aren't you going to introduce me?" she asked Malfoy.  
  
"Oh very well but I think you're making a mistake. Wormtail, I am delighted to introduce you to... I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name." Malfoy sneered.  
  
"Molly," she said with a hint of annoyance in her voice.  
  
"Of course, Molly. Wormtail, this is Molly, a dear friend of mine," Lucius continued.  
  
"I'm not dear. I'm very reasonable, actually Wormtail. Most girls would charge an extra Galleon for all the horrid things he wants a girl to do..." she said with a smile.  
  
"Yes, all right then," Malfoy interrupted. "Wormtail, this is Molly, an inexpensive prostitute. Molly, this is Wormtail, a scruffy servant. Now may I got to sleep, please," Malfoy hissed. He sighed and turned over to go back to sleep.  
  
"Master, what about the wizard?" Peter asked stammering.  
  
"Tell him to get his magical backside out of here. And what's more, if he comes bothering again, tell him I shall report him to Potions Master Snape, who drowns kittens in a cauldron and eats them after class," Malfoy said closing his eyes again.  
  
"Very good, Master," Peter said as he bowed deeply and left the room, closing the door behind him.  
  
A few moments later, Peter burst through the door as if someone threw him in. Malfoy opened one eye, arching an eyebrow.  
  
"Yes, Wormtail. What is it now?" he sighed.  
  
"It's the wizard, Master - - says he still wants to talk to you," Peter said with a wavering voice.  
  
"And did you mention the kitten-eating Potions Master?" Malfoy asked.  
  
"I did, Master," Peter replied, still lying on the floor.  
  
"And what did he say?" Malfoy asked obviously bored by now.  
  
In reply, the door swung open. In the shadows, dark and threatening, stood the wizard.  
  
"He said, I _AM_ the kitten-eating Potions Master," Snape said.  
  
Malfoy opened his eyes in shock shifting uneasily in his bed.  
  
"By Merlin!" Malfoy breathed.  
  
"You haven't any kittens, have you, Lucius?" Snape asked.  
  
"No, I'm allergic to cat fur," Malfoy replied.  
  
"In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get straight down to business. Do you know what day it is today? Snape asked sitting on the bed at Malfoy's feet.  
  
"No, I don't," Malfoy said.  
  
"It is exactly one year ago to the day that the Bank off Dark Wizards 'Banking with a curse and a spell' of which I am the Assistant Manager, lent you one thousand Galleons. Our motto is 'Repayment or Revenge'," Snape explained clearly.  
  
"Of course. And naturally, I would have paid you back, but unfortunately, and this is the real bugger, I've gone and lost my servant. Disastrous! He had all my gold and my little notes saying 'forget-ye-not'," Malfoy said.  
  
"That is no concern of mine. The debt is now due. Not to repay a loan is a sin and we Dark Wizards – we hate sin," Snape roared.  
  
He pulled back the sheets, revealing Malfoy in his black thong and Molly. "Ah yes, Professor – may I introduce my wife, .....Narcissa," Malfoy said.  
  
Snape ignored Malfoy and sat down at his feet. Malfoy pulled up his knees in response.  
  
"Good morning, my dear. I hope you have not forgotten our appointment?" Snape said as he was flirting with Molly. She sat up, smiling at him.  
  
"Of course not, Sevvie," she said. She raised a hand and softly caressed his check.  
  
"You know, I have a mind, my pretty to play 'hide the broomstick'. Don't forget your cane," he said in a low voice.  
  
"Saucy," she replied giggling.  
  
"As for you, you'll come with me," Snape said looking at Malfoy in disgust dragging him out of bed.  
  
"Where...?" Lucius asked confused.  
  
"To visit the last poor bastard who lost his servant," Snape said with a grin. 


	2. Chapter 2

A violent sky, a mound of earth, a few twisted crosses. Malfoy read a tombstone that Snape had directed his attention to.  
  
"William Grieves. Born in 1971 in Chelmsford. Died 1998; in agony, cursed into oblivion," Malfoy said as he slowly read the words out loud.  
  
"I think you... got my message," Snape said.  
  
"Yes yes, indeed. But tell me, Snape, let me just test the potion here, so to speak. Supposing I was to say something like 'I'm a close friend of Lord Voldemort and I think he'd be very interested to hear about you and Molly and the cane, so why don't we just call it quits, eh, Snivellus," Malfoy smirked.  
  
"I would say, firstly, the Dark Lord would not believe you, and secondly,... you'll regret calling me Snivellus later today," Snape roared shoving his wand in Malfoy's face. "I will have my money by Evensong tonight or... your gorgeous blond hair will wish it had never been born!"  
  
With those words Snape left, his robes sweeping behind him.  
  
Back at his mansion, Malfoy was pacing up and down the drawing room. Macnair was sitting at the fireplace reading a book and Wormtail was standing by in silence.  
  
"Well, gits, I'm up a certain creek, without a certain instrument. Either I raise one thousand Galleons by this evening, or I get murdered. What should I do?" Malfoy said.  
  
"That's obvious, Master. You'll have to get murdered. You'll never raise that sort of money," Peter said stepping forward.  
  
"Oh come now, Wormtail, a piffling one thousand?! Pay the fellow, Lucius, and damn his impudence," Macnair said waving his hand.  
  
"I haven't got a thousand, dung-head. I've got 85 Sickles in the whole world," Malfoy snapped.  
  
"But you're always boasting to the Dark Lord about how wealthy you are," Macnair said surprised.  
  
"A cunning web of deceit spun about the Death Eaters to improve my standing, unfortunately," Malfoy explained.  
  
"You mean, you've been... fibbing?" Macnair asked shocked.  
  
"Yup. My whole life has been a tissue of whoppers. I consider myself one of the finest fibsters in the magical world, "Lucius said as he sat down in a chair by the door.  
  
"Couldn't you just dip into the family fortune?" Macnair suggested.  
  
"There isn't one. My father blew it all on Firewhiskey, woman and amateur dramatics. At the end he was eking out a living doing humorous impressions of house-elves," Malfoy sighed.  
  
"Oh Lucius, I'm sorry. I had no idea. But do not despair, for I have some small savings, carefully harvested from my weekly allowance set aside against my frail old age," Macnair said, a glint of a tear in the corner of his eye. "By lucky hap, it's just over a thousand Galleons methinks, and has for years been hidden beyond the wit of a thief..."  
  
"In an old sock under the squeaky floorboard behind the kitchen dresser," Malfoy finished bored.  
  
"You – you've seen it?" Macnair asked surprised.  
  
"Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And the same goes for the two Knuts Wormtail thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato," Malfoy said.  
  
"Then you're doomed," Macnair said dramatically as he sat on the floor. "Alas, for Merlin's sake, let us sit upon the carpet and tell sad stories..."  
  
"Certainly not," Malfoy said as he stood up. "When Lucius Malfoy is in trouble, he doesn't sit about. I've got 85 Sickles and that's a start. I'm sure I'll think of something as long as I'm not disturbed."  
  
The door opened and a messenger entered the room. He took off his hat and bowed.  
  
"Mister Malfoy, the Dark Lord does demand your urgent presence on pain of death," the messenger said.  
  
"Damn! The path of my life is strewn with dog-poo from those Muggles' awful pets," Malfoy hissed. He gathered his cane and cloak and took off. 


	3. Chapter 3

Cornelius Fudge was sitting on his knees at a small table. He was playing a game of chess with Lord Voldemort. Bellatrix Lestrange sat in a chair on Voldemort's left side observing the game. All of a sudden, the doors burst open and Malfoy came running in. He kneeled down at the Dark Lord's feet.  
  
"My Lord – you sent for me," Malfoy said his eyes downcast at the floor.  
  
"Did I? I don't remember. What a naughty scatterbrain I am," Voldemort said without taking his eyes from the game.  
  
"Well, perhaps, my Lord, if I might be allowed to withdraw, I have one or two tiny matters to attend to," Malfoy said.  
  
"Certainly," Voldemort said with a dismissive wave of his hand.  
  
Malfoy stood up and took a bow. He turned around and opened the door when the trio burst out into giggles.  
  
"That was a terrific joke, wasn't it?" Voldemort said.  
  
"Magnificent," Fudge replied.  
  
Malfoy turned around, arching an eyebrow.  
  
"What, my Lord?" he asked.  
  
"I _do_ know why I wanted to see you, and I just pretended I didn't and I fooled you and it worked _brilliantly_ didn't it?" Voldemort said clearly amused.  
  
"It was terrific, my Lordship. Thank Merlin I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split," Malfoy said sarcastically. "So why did you want to see me?"  
  
"To crack the lovely joke," Voldemort replied as he burst out in a high- pitched laughter again.  
  
"Or perhaps, Malfoy, you don't think the Lord's jokes are funny enough for you to be troubled with?" Fudge said, throwing a fierce look at Malfoy.  
  
"Au contraire, I'm ecstatic about the whole incident. I only didn't laugh out loud because I was afraid, if I did, my head would have fallen off," Malfoy hissed.  
  
"If you don't start soon, your head will fall off. Now pay Fudgie his 85 Sickles and run along," Voldemort sneered as he turned back to the game. Fudge held out his hand.  
  
"85 Sickles?" Malfoy asked astonished.  
  
"Yes. We had a bet. I said that you wouldn't fall for my trick and Fudge said you would, because I'm so super and you're so stupid. So you owe him 85 Sickles," Voldemort explained.  
  
"Fine, fine. I mean, it's only gold, isn't it?" Malfoy hissed as he put his hand in his robes. 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
  
Malfoy charged into the corridor of his Mansion. Peter was waiting outside the drawing room.  
  
"I cannot believe this. He drags me all the way up there to play about the weakest practical joke since Dobby the house-elf stood in a pot with his arms up pretending to be a pot-plant," Malfoy growled.  
  
Macnair emerged from the drawing room and embraced Malfoy emotionally.  
  
"Lucius, oh Lucius, I have awaited your return," Macnair said nearly sobbing.  
  
"And thank Merlin you did, for I was just thinking, 'By Merlin, I die in twelve hours. What I really need now is a hug from a complete prat'," Malfoy hissed.  
  
Malfoy pushed Macnair away, went into the room and poured himself a glass of Firewhiskey.  
  
"But fear not, for I have a plan to save the life of my dear, dear friend," Macnair said as he followed Malfoy in the room.  
  
"Look, I'm not interested in your bloody friends. What about me?" Malfoy said.  
  
Macnair was under the impression that Malfoy was joking and said, "Ha Ha, not bad, Lucius, that's a good one."  
  
"Oh, all right then. What's your big plan, blockhead?" Malfoy sighed.  
  
"I intend to discover, this very afternoon, the secret of alchemy, the hidden art of turning base things into ... gold," Macnair said.  
  
"I see. And the fact that this secret has eluded the most intelligent wizards since the dawn of time doesn't dampen your spirits?" Malfoy sneered.  
  
"Oh no. I like a challenge," Macnair said hopeful before he strode out.  
  
"Wormtail, I lost the 85 Sickles. The grave opens up before me like a ... big hole in the ground," Malfoy said.  
  
"I did have one idea, Master, but... no... it's stupid," Wormtail said and turned around.  
  
"What is it?" Malfoy insisted.  
  
"Well, I have heard there is good money to be made down the docks, doing favours for sailors," Wormtail explained.  
  
"Favours. What do you mean? Mending bones, delivering messages, that kind of thing?" Malfoy asked confused.  
  
"Not quite," Wormtail said.  
  
"Wormtail?" Malfoy said menacingly as he began to understand things.  
  
"Master?" Wormtail replied as he took a step back.  
  
"Are you suggesting that I become... a rent boy?" Malfoy hissed.  
  
"Well, a good-looking bloke like you; posh accent, fancy robes, stunning cane, could make a bomb. Just stick a pink carnation in your hair and make the old sign," Wormtail explained.  
  
"I'd rather die," Malfoy growled.  
  
"Oh, fair enough, that's all right then. I'll put the kettle on while we wait shall I?" Wormtail said casually.  
  
Wormtail, turned around and made his way to the door when Malfoy reached out to stop him.  
  
"With a slight alteration, your sick and sordid plan might... just... work," Malfoy smirked.  
  
Wormtail was dressed up tartily. He was pretty nervous and leaned against the wall. He had a pink carnation in his hair and carried a big sign. 'Get it here' was written on the side and magically changed colours. A huge bearded sailor approached. Malfoy was hidden underneath an invisibility cloak.  
  
"Give me a kiss, I'll give you a Knut," he said.  
  
Malfoy pops out from underneath the cloak.  
  
"One Knut?" Malfoy said.  
  
"All right. A Sickle," the sailor said.  
  
"All right, go on," Malfoy said and pulled the cloak up again.  
  
"Nothing fancy, just a peck. I miss me mum, you see. When I was a little kid, my mother always used to..." the sailor continued.  
  
Malfoy popped up again and sneered, "Get a move on, he's a prostitute, not an agony aunt."  
  
"Oh, come on, please, just a peck on the cheek and say 'There, there Hagrid. Mummy kiss it better and you shall have a story," Hagrid said.  
  
"Well, I don't know. Do you do requests, Wormtail?" Malfoy asked.  
  
"What... kinky stuff? Yeah, I'm game," Wormtail said with a smile.  
  
"Please, I miss my mother. I mean, she was like a mother to me..." Hagrid said, tears rolling down his beard.  
  
"Oh, all right. Go on, Wormtail," Malfoy sighed and disappeared beneath the cloak again.  
  
"I've forgotten what I'm supposed to say," Wormtail whispered and the direction where Malfoy stood.  
  
Malfoy reappeared, took the sign from Wormtail and shoved him out of his way.  
  
"Oh get out of the way, I'll do it. There, there, Hagrid," Malfoy said as he gave him a peck on the cheek, "Mummy kiss it better and you shall have a story."  
  
"What kind of story?" Hagrid asked with a grin on his face.  
  
"I don't know. One about a goblin, I suppose," Malfoy replied.  
  
A little later, Hagrid stood with his arms around Malfoy and Wormtail.  
  
"... and then Gary the Goblin went..." Malfoy said.  
  
"Gnaw, gnaw, gnaw," Wormtail and Hagrid said together.  
  
"And they all went home for tea," Malfoy finished.  
  
"Oh thanks very much, me old shivering mateys. That was wonderful," Hagrid said as he put down his arms. He turned towards Malfoy, "Now then, what do you charge for a good, hard shag."  
  
Malfoy paused for a few seconds then said, "A thousand Galleons."  
  
"A thousand Galleons! You've got to be joking!" Hagrid roared.  
  
"Well, I'm sure we could negotiate," Malfoy said as he threw the sign back at Wormtail. Hagrid winked at Wormtail. 


	5. Chapter 5

Malfoy was lounging in his chair; a rather depressed look on his face.

"Right, so we've got 1 Sickle," Malfoy sighed.

"Yeah, now all we need to do, Master, is to go down the house-elf fights and put it on an elf that's a dead cert but has got odds of forty thousand to one," Wormtail said hopeful.

"Know you of such an elf?" Malfoy asked interested yet suspicious.

"No. But we could make one," Wormtail said.

"No we couldn't, Wormtail. Oh god, I suppose you have to be told sometime. Sit down. What happens is: a mummy elf and a daddy elf who love each other very much get certain urges...," Malfoy explained

"No, no, Master. What I mean is: we could get a mad wild Hippogrif, and disguise it as an elf, but it'll be such a strange-looking elf that no-one will back it, but we'll know it's a Hippogrif so we'll put money on it," Wormtail said.

"Only we will know," Malfoy said suspicious.

"Yeah -- if we stick it's ears out enough and hide it's tail" Wormtail said.

"Yes, alright, alright, Wormtail. A chat with you and somehow death loses its sting," Malfoy sneered.

The door swung open and a messenger entered again. He took of his hat and bowed.

"Mister Malfoy, the Dark Lord does demand your presence on pain of death," he said.

"You're not making any friends here, you do know that, don't you, messenger!" Malfoy roared.

He took his head and cloak and ran off.  
  
Malfoy burst through the doors and fell on his knee before Lord Voldemort.

"My Lord, you sent for me again," Malfoy said.

"Yes, Lucius. I wanted to apologize for the silly trick I played on you," Voldemort said, his red-eyes downcast. "It was naughty and bad of me."

"It was, my little snaky bottom. If you weren't quite so big, it'd be time for Mr. and Mrs. Spank to pay a short sharp trip to Bottyland," Bellatrix said sternly.

"Thank you, Bella. And thank you, Lucius," Voldemort said.

"That's all? ," Malfoy said a bit surprised.

"Yes. Thanks for coming," Voldemort said as he reached out his hand and shook hands with Malfoy.

Malfoy bowed and turned around to leave. As he opened the door, the trio started to cackle again.

"That was very funny too, wasn't it?" Voldemort said as soon as he had caught his breath.

"My Lord," Lucius said, arching an eyebrow.

"Dragging you all the way across town again just to say sorry for dragging you all the way across town the first time!" Voldemort said. He stopped laughing and a vicious look spread across his eyes. "It was Fudge's idea. I think it's wonderful, don't you?"

"It's fantastic. Fudge, I prostrate myself at the feet of the world's greatest living comedian," Malfoy sneered as he took a theatrical bow towards Fudge.

"Oh, you are super, Lucius. Oh, Lucius, erm, I promised Fudge that I would play shove Galleon with him, but we have no coin. Do you have a Galleon?" Voldemort said stretching out his hand.

"Unfortunately, only a Sickle, my Lord. What a shame!" Malfoy said.

"Oh, no -- a Sickle will do just as well," Voldemort smirked.

"Oh, good!" Malfoy hissed as he handed Voldemort the coin.

When Malfoy returned home, he found the corridor filled with smoke. "Oh Merlin, this place stinks like the Hog's Head. Wormtail, have you been eating cooked Thestrals again?" Malfoy said.

At that moment Macnair rushed out of the drawing room, swinging his arms around Malfoy's neck.

"What?" Malfoy sneered.

"After literally an hour's ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold. PURE GOLD!" Macnair said as he dragged Malfoy in the room. Wormtail sat at the desk.

"Are you sure?" Malfoy asked.

"Yes, Master! Behold!" Macnair said enthusiastically as he unscrewed the top of a small box. Their faces bathed in green light.

"Macnair, it's green," Malfoy hissed.

"That's right, Master," Macnair said obviously not realizing the problem.

"Yes, Macnair, I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of gold is gold -- that's why it's called gold. What you have discovered, if it has a name, is some... green," Malfoy sneered.

"Oh, Lucius, can it be true? That I hold here, in my mortal hand, a nugget of purest green?" Macnair said.

"Indeed you do, Macnair, except, of course, it's not only a nugget as it is more of a splat," Malfoy said bored.

"Well, yes, a splat today, but tomorrow, who knows? Or dares to dream!" Macnair said, his eyes opening wide in excitement.

"So we three alone in all of the world can create the finest green at will," Malfoy remarked.

"Thus so!" Macnair said. "I'm not sure about counting in Wormtail, actually," he whispered.

"Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you, Macnair," Malfoy said as his eyes narrowed.

"Perhaps, Master," Macnair said hopeful.

"That you, Macnair -- are an utter berk! Wormtail!" Malfoy roared as he sat down on the chair by the door.

"Master?" Wormtail asked.

"Pack my bags; I'm going to sell the manor," Malfoy sighed.

"What?" Macnair and Wormtail asked in surprise.

"There's nothing else for it. I mean, I shall miss the old place, I know. I've had some happy times here, when you and Macnair have been out. But needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle. Wormtail, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lucius Malfoy wishes to sell his house. Macnair, just go forth into the street," Malfoy sighed with a dismissive wave of his hand.


	6. Chapter 6

Malfoy entered the room, closely followed by a couple.

"...and this is the drawing room," Malfoy informed the potential buyers.

"Ooh, dear," Mrs Weasly said as she was observing the room.

"But I have to tell you, Mr. Weasly, that I've had an extremely encouraging nibble from another client, and I think you know me well enough to know that I'm not the sort of man to ignore a nibble for long," Malfoy said

"I noticed some dry rot in the bedrooms, Arthur," Mrs Weasly remarked.

"Well, Mrs. Weasley, dry rot is what dry rot does," Malfoy sneered.

He turned to Mr. Weasly and said; "Stop me if I'm getting too technical."

"And the floor are perhaps a little uneven," Mrs Weasly said.

"Indeed yes, Madam, and at no extra cost!" Malfoy said.

"Strange smell," Mrs Weasly said as she pulled up her nose.

"Yes, that's the servant; he'll be gone," Malfoy replied.

"You've really worked out your banter, haven't you?" Mr. Weasly said.

"No, not really. This is a different thing. It's spontaneous and it's called wit'." Malfoy sneered.

"What about the privies," Mrs. Weasly asked.

"When the master wizard who created this home was looking at the sewage, he said to himself, "Romeo," -- for 'twas his name -- "Romeo, let's make them functional, comfortable and exquisite," Malfoy informed the couple.

"Oh, well, that seems nice, doesn't it, dear?" Mr. Weasly cheered.

"I think we understand each other, sir. So it's sold, then," Malfoy said as he poured out two drinks, "Drink?"

"What about the privies?" Mrs. Weasly insisted.

"Well, what we're talking about in, erm, privy terms is the very latest in wide, expensive lavatory bowls with fresh-air orifices, combined with a soft seat below,"

"You mean you crap in golden pots," Mrs. Weasly said.

"Yes!" Malfoy growled.

"Well! In that case, we'll definitely take it! I can't stand those dirty porcelain things," Mrs. Weasly roared.

An hour later, Lucius Malfoy was sitting at his desk, counting all the gold. Macnair, sat at the other side of the desk, observing his master.

"There, that's the lot. He only wanted to pay a thousand, but I managed to beat him up to eleven hundred," Malfoy smirked.

"Oh, Lucius, you wily old trickster, you!" Macnair said.

"Oh, credit where credit's due -- I just named the price; it was Wormtail who actually beat him up," Malfoy said smiling.

As Macnair nodded, Malfoy looked up from his gold.

"Macnair, what is that on the front of your tunic?" Malfoy asked with an arched eyebrow.

"Ah! 'tis a brooch, Master -- a brooch cunningly fashioned from pure green," Macnair replied beaming.

"It looks like you've sneezed," Malfoy sneered.

"It is with trinkets such as this brooch, and here, a ring, that I intend to revive your fortunes and buy back your house!" said Macnair, still rather proud of his achievements.

"You think there's a big market for jewellery that looks like snot, then?" Malfoy sighed.

"Master!" Macnair said upset.

"The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Macnair," Malfoy sneered.

At this point, another messenger enters. He takes off his hat and bows.

"Ah, messenger, thank Merlin you came. Macnair and I could not have waited another second without you," Malfoy hissed.

Malfoy sprinted up the corridors and burst through the doors off his Master's accommodation. Voldemort, Bellatrix and Fudge were hunched over a large desk in the far corner. "My Lord," Malfoy said taking a bow once more.

"Thank Merlin you've arrived -- terrible news Lucius," Voldemort said.

"What?" Malfoy asked stunned.

"The Muggles intend to invade, Malfoy," Fudge said.

"By Merlin," Malfoy said in shock.

"So I need some money," Voldemort said.

Malfoy feared the worst and fell onto his Master's throne.

"Yes, every pureblood must pay 500 pounds towards the upkeep of the troops," Fugde explained.

"But we've decided to make you a special case," Voldemort said.

"Oh thank you my Lord," Malfoy said as he straightened up in the throne.

"Fudgie here hasn't got a bean, so we thought, as you're so fabulously wealthy, you could pay for both!" Voldemort cheered.

"It would be awfully sweet of you," Fudge said.

"Yes, well, unfortunately, my Lord, I'm in the middle of a cash-flow crisis and I just haven't got any money on me!" Malfoy said as he shifted uncomfortable in his chair.

"But, Lucius," Voldemort said looking down on him.

Malfoy realized that he was sitting in the throne. He thought that this was what he was addressing him about. He stood up and moved across to his proper place.

"... what's that in your robes?" Voldemort said. He pointed his long finger at Malfoy's groin.

"Oh, by Merlin," Malfoy replied as he took out a pouch from his robes. "It looks like... just over a thousand Galleons!" Voldemort cheered.

"So it is," Malfoy replied, in an attempt to look casually.

"I thought you said you didn't have any," Voldemort said suspiciously.

"Oh, I thought you meant real money. This is just a bit of loose change. I must have left it in my robes when I sent these to the house-elves," Malfoy replied.

"Gosh, a thousand Galleons just loose in your robes... OK, hand it over," Voldemort said as he reached out his hand. Malfoy handed him the pouch of gold.

"Thanks, bye," Voldemort said before he returned to the table.

"Well, goodbye indeed. 'bye, my Lord. Goodbye, Fudge. Goodbye, Bellatrix. Byeee...,"

Malfoy said melancholic as he left the room and shut the doors. As soon as Malfoy had left, Fudge ran over to the doors, peeked between them to make sure that he was gone. He turned around and fell on the floor roaring with laughter. Voldemort started to cackle and Bellatrix followed.

"Silly old Lucius! He was completely fooled! That was a brilliant joke, Fudgie!" Voldemort laughed.

"Brilliant my Lord," Fudge stated.

"And now I'm going to curse you," Voldemort said in a serious tone.

"M – M – My Lord?" Fudge stammered.

"It's for taking the mickey out of my faithful Lucius so cruelly. I'm gonna blast your block off," Voldemort hissed.

"But, Master, I only intended to please! Oh, please! I so want to live!!!" Fudge begged.

Voldemort slowly broke out into laughter. Fudge understood that it was a joke and started to laugh forcedly.

"Praise Merlin for the gift of laughter!" Fudge said slightly uncomfortable.


	7. The End

Malfoy rushed into the drawing room.

"Right, Wormtail, I've lost the money. I'm going to have to run away," Malfoy said.

"Why, Master?" Wormtail asked.

"To avoid Snape, of course!" Malfoy said.

"No point -- the Bank of Dark Wizards have got branches everywhere."

"Oh damn!" Malfoy sighed as he fell onto the floor. "If I die, Wormtail, do you think people would remember me?" he asked with a puppy-dog look on his face.

"Yeah, of course they would," Wormtail replied casually.

"Yes, I suppose so," Malfoy said.

"Yeah. People would always be slapping each other on the shoulders and laughing, and saying "Do you remember old Goldie-locks?" Wormtail said as he continued packing.

"Do people call me 'Goldie-locks?" Malfoy asked stunned.

"Yeah, the ones who like you," Wormtail said.

"Am I then not popular?" Malfoy asked.

"Erm, well, put it this way: when people curse the wrong person, they tend to say 'Whoops, I've pulled a Lucius'."

"Bloody cheek! I'll show them," Malfoy hissed as he rose to his feet again.

"What, have you got a plan, Master?" Wormtail asked.

"Yes I have, and it's so cunning you could polish your cane with it! All I need is some feathers, a dress, some oil, an easel, some sleeping potion, lots of paper, a prostitute and the best portrait painter in England," Malfoy instructed.

"I'll get them right away, Master!" Wormtail said as he rushed out to obey Malfoy.

Some time later, Wormtail and a painter entered the drawing room. Malfoy was pacing the room.

"Master, the most famous painter in England: Mr. Alastor "Mad Eye" Moody," Wormtail said.

"Right, are you any good?" Malfoy asked.

"No! I am ... a genius!" Moody said, turning up his nose or what was left of it.

"Well, you'd better be, or you're dead!" Malfoy hissed.

Malfoy started as he heard pounding on the front door.

"Right, in the bedroom, Halfnose. Wormtail, get the door," Malfoy said.

"Master," Wormtail said as he took a bow and left the room with Moody.

Malfoy shut the door behind them and sat down in a chair at the fireplace. He placed his feet up on a small table as he began to read a book. Wormtail literally flew through the door again and lay on the floor between the shrapnel.

"Master, Potion Master Snape," Wormtail said still lying on the floor.

"The time has come, Malfoy!" Snape roared.

"Oh, hello, Snape," Malfoy said without looking up from his book.

"The Dark Wizards will have their money, or I will have my fun," Snape said, his wand at the ready.

"You enjoy your work, don't you?" Malfoy said.

"Bits of it, yeah," Snape responded.

"The violent bits," Malfoy sneered.

"Yes," Snape replied as he began massaging Malfoy's shoulder.

"You see, I am a greasy pervert. No form of sexual depravity is too low for me. Animal, vegetable or mineral -- I'll do anything to anything," Snape hissed in Malfoy's ear.

"Fine words for a Wizard. It's nice to hear the Wizarding World speaking out for a change on social issues," Malfoy said casually.

"Have you got the money?" Snape asked with a glint of pleasure in his eyes.

"Nope," Malfoy replied coolly.

" Good. I hate it when people pay up. Say your prayers, Malfoy. IT'S HEXING TIME!!" Snape roared, raising his wand.

"Fine," Malfoy said as he closed the book and set it down before he stood up. "Are you ever concerned that people might find you out?"

"No. No, no, I curse, I poison, I fornicate, but as far as my students are concerned my only vice is a little tipple before Evensong," Snape said.

Wormtail handed him a goblet.

"Oh, thank you," Snape said as he drained the goblet. "PREPARE YOURSELF, MALFOY!! THIS IS WHERE YOU GET--" Snape said as he staggered backwards, choking.

"POISONED! BY MERLIN!" Snape roared before he fell onto the floor.

"No, by Wormtail, actually, but the effect is much the same," Malfoy smirked.

In his bedroom, Malfoy pulled open a curtain, behind which Snape was in bed.

"Wakey, wakey, Sevvie. Dear me, you teachers really are sluggerbeds," Malfoy said.

"Where am I? I remember...poisoned..." Snape said, still a bit groggy.

"That's right," Malfoy replied.

"You should have killed me while you had the chance. You have looked in wonder at your last dawn, Malfoy!" Snape roared as he sat up in the bed.

"Well, I'm not sure about that. I did wonder, though, what people who saw this might think," Malfoy smirked.

Wormtail was standing nearby holding a portrait.

"By all cauldrons, what creatures from Hell are those?" Snape asked.

"They make an interesting couple, don't they? I think you probably recognize this greasy, sweating mound of robes here, eh, Snivellus?" Malfoy hissed.

Snape tried to lunge toward the portrait but Malfoy pushed him back in the bed with his cane.

"There's no point, anyway; we have the preliminary sketches. We'll soon bang off a couple of copies. Let's see, one for Lord Voldemort, one for the Ministry of Magic, a couple kept aside, perhaps, to form the basis of an exciting exhibition of a challenging artist's work," Malfoy said.

" By the beard of Dumbledore, how did you get me into that position?" Snape asked turning his head to the right.

"It's beautifully framed, don't you think? Which is ironic, really, because that's exactly what's happened to you," Malfoy sneered.

"You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the School?" Snape said.

"No, I could never get used to the classrooms," Malfoy replied.

"What I could use, though, is, let's say eleven hundred Galleons to buy back my house, four thousand Galleons to cover some sundry expenses, ten Sickles for the two doors, and let's say twenty Knuts for a celebratory slap up binge at The Hog's Head…" Malfoy said, with a smile of triumph on his face.

"Yes, yes, but first, one question: Who is this second figure? Who could you have got to have performed such deeds, to have gone lower than man has ever gone, to have plunged the depths of degradation just in order to save your filthy life?!!!" Snape roared.

From beneath the covers, Wormtail awoke and sat up. He was dressed in red leather with chains and assorted items.

"Ah, Wormtail, may I introduce Severus Snape, the Potions Master at Hogwarts. Professor, Peter 'Wormtail' Pettigrew," Malfoy said.

"Hello. It was lovely working with you," Wormtail said weakly shaking Snape's hand.

The End.

_Take heed the morale of this tale,_

_Be not a borrower nor lender,_

_And if your finances do fail,_

_Make sure your banker's not a bender. _

_Lord Malfoy, Lord Malfoy,_

_He trusted in the school._

_Lord Malfoy, Lord Malfoy,_

_He nearly died a fool._

_Lord Malfoy, Lord Malfoy,_

_His life was almost done._

_Lord Malfoy, Lord Malfoy,_

_Who gives a toss? No one!_


End file.
